my email was hacked (and lose weight)

Dear Friends, my email account was hacked. please do not open a Google document, it was spam or malware.  I apologize,
Duncan

Dear Friends, my email account was hacked.  I am not stranded in Europe, I am home and fine.  If you received email from me asking for $4,000. it was spam from a hacker.  I apologize.
Duncan

Dear Friends, please DO NOT CLICK on a link that says, ohmygod this is the funniest video ever.  My email was hacked, and the message is spam. I apologize.
Duncan

Dear Friends, my email was hacked.  I did not send you a picture, please DO NOT "check this out!" It's spam from a phishing site.  I apologize.
Duncan

Dear friends, I did not win a free iPad by clicking on this site. my Facebook account was spammed.  I apologize.
Duncan

Dear Friends,  I have lost 20 lbs in 2 weeks on the Paleo-Blitz "Workout Like A Caveman" plan. Click here for a free membership to the Spa Di Duncannes, with worldwide club privileges and a "Lose While You Sleep" fat burner.  You will automatically receive a GPS Menu Chronograph Rollex watch, and 10 sessions with a massage therapist from Sweden or Thailand or both.
Duncan

I Wish I Knew

Duncan Blitz had a small case of Sad.   "I'm forty-fucking eight, and what can I show for it?" He checked the freezer, the fridgie, the kitchen cabinet, for chocolate.  nada.

Duncan opened a Tecate, squeezed a lime, took a tug.  

It was better not to measure, he decided.  Tomorrow could bring dark chocolate. 

DUNCAN IS ON THE PENSIVE EATING PLAN:

Breakfast:  
Slow-brewed Stormy Tea
Lemon Curd Cake
3 mugs cafe con leche

Snack:
Chewy Granola Bar
Chinggis Vodka, Gold. 2 shots

Lunch:
skip

Dinner:
Tortilla Soup
Cesar Salad
club soda with lemon

Dessert:
Chocolate Chunk chocolate ice cream
Ultra Dark Chocolate Truffle with caramel and salt.

I feel much better, thought Duncan.